Everything was okay today, but I am not feeling okay. I think that when you lose something or someone you care about, you die a little bit inside. I think that it takes a long time to feel okay again.
During a conversation with an acquaintance, do you ever just think about how they would never accept you for who you truly are if they actually knew you?
People judge others based on appearance and material possessions (we all do this… myself included). I guess I’m really good at hiding because most people just assume I have it good and that I’ve always had it good. In reality, I live in a house that is less than 600 sq ft and has only 2 small closets… and I’m always cleaning black mold out of the basement and from around the windows and floor boards…. because … well … because I don’t make a lot of money and I live in an area with an extremely high cost of living.
Usually at least once a year, in the winter, I go without heat for about one month because my landlord is lazy and won’t fix the central heating. Why do I stay here? Because I don’t have the money to move, nor do I want to ask anyone to help me because frankly there isn’t anyone to ask.
I don’t want any pity. I’m not homeless or hungry and….I’m not in an unhappy relationship anymore. I’ve actually conditioned every one to stop asking me if I’m ever going to get remarried. I spend most weekends at home in sweat pants and I like it that way. So why don’t I want to tell people that those are my plans for the weekend? Because people judge. I blend in well and I guess they assume that I live the way they do… from one obligations or social event to the next. Pretending and avoiding is easier than explaining.