Life is about choices

Life is all about choices. Your first choice is to recognize an that you have options. Your second choice is to be grateful for it.

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My Mind and My Heart

My mind never stops. I hate things or have negative thoughts and then I hate myself for that. I am in a constant state of self loathing and hatred. My heart feels too dark. I don’t even know if I am able to love in a romantic way. Everyone I’ve ever loved in a romantic way has betrayed me in some way. Eventually, I lost the ability to love. I love my family. At least I think I do.

I wonder if I will be alone forever? I don’t mind being alone. The only thing that scares me is needing someone for practical reasons and not having anyone. Not because I need them or want them but because it’s embarrassing and shameful to admit that you have no one.

We are judged based on how many people love us. No one loves me. If they don’t, they really don’t because no one really knows who I am. They only know what I want them to know and that’s it.

Anhedonia

I used to feel happy about things. I don’t get excited about anything anymore. Most of the time, I feel nothing. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I feel exhausted and drained. I feel like everyone and everything just pulls at me until I am exhausted. All the time. I feel like I live among vampires and they all feed off of me. I make excuses of being sick just so I don’t have to go anywhere or talk to anyone. This has only grown worse and worse over the past few years.