Do you ever

During a conversation with an acquaintance, do you ever just think about how they would never accept you for who you truly are if they actually knew you? 

People judge others based on appearance and material possessions (we all do this… myself included). I guess I’m really good at hiding because most people just assume I have it good and that I’ve always had it good. In reality, I live in a house that is less than 600 sq ft and has only 2 small closets… and I’m always cleaning black mold out of the basement and from around the windows and floor boards…. because … well … because I don’t make a lot of money and I live in an area with an extremely high cost of living. 

Usually at least once a year, in the winter, I go without heat for about one month because my landlord is lazy and won’t fix the central heating. Why do I stay here? Because I don’t have the money to move, nor do I want to ask anyone to help me because frankly there isn’t anyone to ask. 

I don’t want any pity. I’m not homeless or hungry  and….I’m not in an unhappy relationship anymore. I’ve actually conditioned every one to stop asking me if I’m ever going to get remarried. I spend most weekends at home in sweat pants and I like it that way. So why don’t I want to tell people that those are my plans for the weekend? Because people judge. I blend in well and I guess they assume that I live the way they do… from one obligations or social event to the next. Pretending and avoiding is easier than explaining. 

My Mind and My Heart

My mind never stops. I hate things or have negative thoughts and then I hate myself for that. I am in a constant state of self loathing and hatred. My heart feels too dark. I don’t even know if I am able to love in a romantic way. Everyone I’ve ever loved in a romantic way has betrayed me in some way. Eventually, I lost the ability to love. I love my family. At least I think I do.

I wonder if I will be alone forever? I don’t mind being alone. The only thing that scares me is needing someone for practical reasons and not having anyone. Not because I need them or want them but because it’s embarrassing and shameful to admit that you have no one.

We are judged based on how many people love us. No one loves me. If they don’t, they really don’t because no one really knows who I am. They only know what I want them to know and that’s it.

Anhedonia

I used to feel happy about things. I don’t get excited about anything anymore. Most of the time, I feel nothing. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I feel exhausted and drained. I feel like everyone and everything just pulls at me until I am exhausted. All the time. I feel like I live among vampires and they all feed off of me. I make excuses of being sick just so I don’t have to go anywhere or talk to anyone. This has only grown worse and worse over the past few years.