If I could only tell you

How I really feel. If I could just say how I feel without judgment and without a response from you. You don’t need to fix me or make me feel better or even try to pretend like you understand. You don’t. You can’t. And I don’t want you to. I just want to be heard. 

I carry this burden every where. Every day. If I could only tell you. 

Too unimpressed to care

“You become a house where the wind blows straight through, because no one bothers the crack in the window or lock on the door, and you’re the house where people come and go as they please, because you’re simply too unimpressed to care. You let people in who you really shouldn’t let in, and you let them walk around for a while, use your bed and use your books, and await the day when they simply get bored and leave. You’re still not bothered, though you knew they shouldn’t have been let in in the first place, but still you just sit there, apathetic like a beggar in the desert.”
Charlotte Eriksson, You’re Doing Just Fine

Surf Days & Sadness 

Surf Days always remind me of you & California… and hopes and dreams. 

I didn’t realize how much a scent could trigger such strong emotion but all I can say is wow. Nothing could prepare me for the reaction I had when I used this scent for the first time since I left you … and California. 

I haphazardly sprayed a few shots and instantly I was paralyzed with a deep sadness. I was wearing this scent the very last time I saw you…. curbside at the airport…. about 30 minutes before I caught my plane out of California. 

We hugged goodbye. You begged me not to leave. I laughed and told you I had to go. You said you wanted me to stop leaving. I smiled but all I kept thinking was that this could never work… WE could never work. And this was going to hurt. And it did. More than I care to admit. It was the first time I had felt hopeful about a relationship and a future. But I knew…. deep down I knew …that being with you meant that maybe … just MAYBE… there really was someone out there for me. But then I remembered all the times that I flew to wherever you were … and usually you ignored me because you were too busy responding to your fans, checking social media, thinking about your next show. You didn’t want ME… you just wanted a fan club president and someone to adore you. 

You knew what to say and when to say it. You’re an actor. You could pretend to be just about anything to anyone…. except me. 

It’s true….smells trigger more vivid emotional memories and are better at inducing that feeling of “being brought back in time” than images…. and today I was in California … with you. You had your arms around me. You begged me to stay and promised that it wouldn’t be long until we’d be together again….. and the only thing I kept thinking was about how I was going to tell you that I wasn’t coming back and that we would probably never see each other again. Maybe if you would’ve held me tighter or left your phone at home…. maybe ….just maybe… I’d be in California …with you… for real…and Surf Days would still be my favorite…. 

Dreamt of you

Last night I dreamt of you. We were together. Not broken. 

I never meant anything to you. I was just someone filling a space, mending your brokenness. I wasn’t your first choice or even your second… I was your only option. You never said that but I knew it…..

It’s funny how our minds and hearts convince us of things that aren’t and could never be true. Only I’m not laughing. 

When I finally woke up, it was like leaving California again…. knowing that if I ever return, you won’t be there.