If I could only tell you

How I really feel. If I could just say how I feel without judgment and without a response from you. You don’t need to fix me or make me feel better or even try to pretend like you understand. You don’t. You can’t. And I don’t want you to. I just want to be heard. 

I carry this burden every where. Every day. If I could only tell you. 

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Surf Days & Sadness 

Surf Days always remind me of you & California… and hopes and dreams. 

I didn’t realize how much a scent could trigger such strong emotion but all I can say is wow. Nothing could prepare me for the reaction I had when I used this scent for the first time since I left you … and California. 

I haphazardly sprayed a few shots and instantly I was paralyzed with a deep sadness. I was wearing this scent the very last time I saw you…. curbside at the airport…. about 30 minutes before I caught my plane out of California. 

We hugged goodbye. You begged me not to leave. I laughed and told you I had to go. You said you wanted me to stop leaving. I smiled but all I kept thinking was that this could never work… WE could never work. And this was going to hurt. And it did. More than I care to admit. It was the first time I had felt hopeful about a relationship and a future. But I knew…. deep down I knew …that being with you meant that maybe … just MAYBE… there really was someone out there for me. But then I remembered all the times that I flew to wherever you were … and usually you ignored me because you were too busy responding to your fans, checking social media, thinking about your next show. You didn’t want ME… you just wanted a fan club president and someone to adore you. 

You knew what to say and when to say it. You’re an actor. You could pretend to be just about anything to anyone…. except me. 

It’s true….smells trigger more vivid emotional memories and are better at inducing that feeling of “being brought back in time” than images…. and today I was in California … with you. You had your arms around me. You begged me to stay and promised that it wouldn’t be long until we’d be together again….. and the only thing I kept thinking was about how I was going to tell you that I wasn’t coming back and that we would probably never see each other again. Maybe if you would’ve held me tighter or left your phone at home…. maybe ….just maybe… I’d be in California …with you… for real…and Surf Days would still be my favorite…. 

Time and Memory

Yes it does. Sometimes time distorts memory. It’s weird to look back on situations and relationships and realize that you don’t really remember them accurately. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism.