If I could only tell you

How I really feel. If I could just say how I feel without judgment and without a response from you. You don’t need to fix me or make me feel better or even try to pretend like you understand. You don’t. You can’t. And I don’t want you to. I just want to be heard. 

I carry this burden every where. Every day. If I could only tell you. 


Depth of darkness to descend (The Daily Post Prompt) 

The depth of darkness to which you can descend and still live is an exact measure of the height in which you can aspire to reach. 

So you’re having a baby

Every once in a while you will text me out of the blue. I’m assuming it’s when you need an ego stroke or you’re feeling particularly insecure about something. 

You say you want to be friends but we have to keep it a secret because your wife would be upset. I don’t respond. I never do. It doesn’t stop you from texting. I doubt you’ll ever give up. It’s not your style. But it’s more about you than me. 

I saw one of our mutual friends and they told me the good news that your wife is pregnant and you’re having a baby. Good for you. 

I bet she doesn’t know you won’t stop texting me. Just like she doesn’t know that I never respond. Even though I want to. I don’t. I miss you. I hate that you’re married and having a baby. But what I hate the most is that I was right about you. 

My Mind and My Heart

My mind never stops. I hate things or have negative thoughts and then I hate myself for that. I am in a constant state of self loathing and hatred. My heart feels too dark. I don’t even know if I am able to love in a romantic way. Everyone I’ve ever loved in a romantic way has betrayed me in some way. Eventually, I lost the ability to love. I love my family. At least I think I do.

I wonder if I will be alone forever? I don’t mind being alone. The only thing that scares me is needing someone for practical reasons and not having anyone. Not because I need them or want them but because it’s embarrassing and shameful to admit that you have no one.

We are judged based on how many people love us. No one loves me. If they don’t, they really don’t because no one really knows who I am. They only know what I want them to know and that’s it.